Ahem. Sorry.

Point is, I can think of better ways to take out a biker gang than this German guy.

The fact that they make me squee and clap like a baby watching the wiggles…. maybe.

From the geniuses who brought you ‘Lazy Sunday’-

Also, Don’t click this. Really, don’t. You’ve failed to heed my warnings before. Need I remind you of lambule? No. I don’t think I do.

This guy needs to be a graduation speaker. He wouldn’t even have to change the speech.

No, these are the guys who deigned not to be comforted by loved ones in their final moments. Instead of spending their last precious seconds on earth repenting their doubtlessly copious sins, or regretting having never seen Paris, these guys decided that their final act would be best spent breaking as many skulls as possible before carting off to their final reward.

But really, that’s a final reward in and of itself, isn’t it?

link

Okay, the list of things I’ve had in my lungs isn’t all that long. In fact, with the exception of atmosphere, a good deal of secondhand smoke, a few knife points, and one very unfortunate moth, the list comprises everything there is. Until this morning.

Perhaps this is a common occurrence among most people, who will read this and think me daft, but it’s never happened to me before, so imagine my surprise when I was brushing my teeth this morning, and managed to inhale a nice gob of toothpaste.

And I don’t mean ‘accidentally-choke-on-your-water-when-someone-tells-an-ill-timed-joke” kind of inhale. I mean ‘down-into-the-bronchial-tubes-gasping-for-a-breath-that-just-won’t-come-vision-starts-to-narrow-as-you-think-you-see-a-bright-light-before-looking-down-to-behold-a-fiery-pit’ kind of inhale. With toothpaste.

I wound up slamming my abdomen into the bathroom counter to heimlich myself into coughing up enough of the mint gel to clear my airtubes. I can still feel some of it in there. Kind of burns.

Toothpaste. In my lungs. It’s a first for me.

On the upside, my breath should be minty fresh for quite a while.

Expedition Journal- Day 1

We have come to the apex of our toils, having reached our destination. My comrades and I are intensely gratified that the day is finally here. Having driven for hours, we have reached our outpost, and set up camp. With me is Chum, the hospitality and billiards expert, Ahab, our scout, Semi, our historian, and Thundersqueak, our minstrel. These fine young adventurers have taken to calling me Papa Bear. Likely in reference to my protective nature, or perhaps my overheated porridge. They will aid me in my responsibilities as head chef and zombie slayer to prepare for the rest of our party.

Chum

Ahab

Semi

Thundersqueak

Papa Bear

The first thing we notice about our campsite is the staggering amount of bears present. They are on our walls, adorning the tables and scrollwork of the furniture present, even supporting the kitchenware. They are not hostile towards our presence, appearing to go about their business. We will keep a wary eye on their activities just in case, as they seem to be well organized. In the meantime, we practice our charge of poking the local fauna with sticks in order to get a head start on our project. In addition to the bears, there are a good deal of deer and moose present, with a spattering of raccoons. One of which Ahab put to good use. We were also lucky enough to run across a rare yeti, which Ahab promptly applied our research to.

Expedition Journal- Day 2

The remainder of our party has arrived at our camp. We are happily joined by Sunshine, our botanist, Kansas, our art appraiser and forger, Kitty, our hairstylist and assistant zombie slayer, and Woody, our sports commentator. After exchanging our welcomes, we prepared our dinner, and enjoyed an evening of discussion, gaming, boozing, and hottubbing.

Sunshine

Kansas

Kitty

Woody

After toweling off, we were distressed to discover the bears had stolen our provisions. We quickly turned to infighting, as is our custom, turning our scientific implements on each other, attempting to immediately resort to cannibalism.

Fortunately, we were saved from our plight by none other than St. Nicholas himself. Santa brought us new supplies from his magic sack of provisions, having something special for everyone in our party.

Resupplied, we turned our attention away from prodding each other, and set back to our normal activities, welcoming Santa into our expedition party.

Expedition Journal- Day 3

During the night, we had suffered attempted usurps from various forces from the bear encampment. They first attempted infiltrating our camp with spies, but Kitty quickly turned them. Our new informants told us of the unfortunate situation we had stumbled into. Apparently, there has been a long feud running between the bear, moose, and deer clans of the forest. And we walked straight into it.

Their spies having failed, the bears settled for different tactics. We woke up this morning fewer in number. Santa had suffered a hatchet to the face. The only remains we found of Kansas were his Euro shorts. Low on hot tub water, we are forced to resupply via bucket brigade from the nearest alternative source.

Sunshine and Kitty had disappeared along with Woody. Only the scouting party is left. We are preparing ourselves for combat, and conducting raids on the bear camp, who appear to have attacked Santa for his magic bag of supplies. Not knowing where the other encampments are, we cannot afford to move our position. We can only hope to ally ourselves with the moose or deer clans. If this journal finds civilization without us, you will know our fate.

No one cares what they intended it for, but the funny part is that they intended it to be horrific for all who see it. Don’t think they counted on me seeing it.

Ladies and Gentlemen…. It’s raining polar bears.

7:00- A gunfighter and two saloon girls are icing cupcakes.

7:20- Saloon girl #2 glues herself to a feather.

7:25- Saloon girl #2 glues herself to gunfighter.

7:45- Gay Hitler arrives.

8:00- The party is completed by the arrival of the mini ninja, the Scot, the scantily clad Indian Girl, and the Cowgirl. There was no intention of a western theme, it just turned out that way.

“Somebody should have held on to the meat cleaver!” - Indian Girl

8:30- Gay Hitler gives a haunting rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, with backup from Saloon Girls

9:00- Indian Girl has to be taught the proper way to scalp Hitler.

9:30- Saloon Girl #1 determines that feminists are shallow.

9:40- Hitler loves choir boys.

“Magical things happen for hookers!” - Saloon Girl #1

9:45- Mini Ninja explores the relationship and differences between racism and sexual preference.

9:50- Someone is stabbed with a chimp. No serious injury.

“How do you not orgasm when you feel creamed corn all over your body?” - Mini Ninja

9:55- Irishman arrives, is immediately made gay by Saloon Girl #1’s feather boa.

10:00- Gay Hitler vs. Gay Irishman. Place bets!

10:05- Indian Girl grows a mustache much like Gay Hitler’s

“You know you would totally do Danny Devito!” - Mini Ninja

10:10- Mini Ninja takes a spurt of icing to the face.

10:20- Sinatra beats car bombs.

10:30- Mother Theresa does porn.

10:40- Pizza Roll opera is performed by Gay Hitler. Is not taken as well as Bohemian Rhapsody.

10:50- Jesus pees himself.

11:00- NASCAR’s existence is confirmed

“Think, ‘you wouldn’t want to get raped there.’” - Gun Fighter

11:30- Alcohol conquers Ireland. Again.

“Stand like this, and we can do it back to back.” - Cowgirl

11:35- Douche bags inhabit zombie movies.

11:40- Gay Hitler gets cupcaked in the ass. No, that’s a literal statement.

11:45- Saloon Girl #2 admits to speaking nonsense, then continues without any excuse.

11:50- Mini Ninja admits to cheerleader movie fetish.

11:55- Indian girl prefers to smell like vanilla bean, rather than pepperoni.

12:00- Gay Hitler mocks Mini Ninja for kissing a guy.

12:05- The aforementioned vanilla bean, Natty Light, and oral sex are held in equal respect.

12:10- Groundskeepers sleep in coffins

12:30- The economy affects even zombies.

12:35- Revenge of the dissected frog from biology class.

12:40- Indian Girl falls in love with zombie children.

12:50- The apocalypse is ruled to be weirder than UFOs.