What follows is a series of happenings and quotes that summarize of the Halloween party my girlfriend and I hosted on Saturday. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Screw the innocent. The names have been changed to match the costumes or general demeanor of the party’s attendants.

7:00- A gunfighter and two saloon girls are icing cupcakes.

7:20- Saloon girl #2 glues herself to a feather.

7:25- Saloon girl #2 glues herself to gunfighter.

7:45- Gay Hitler arrives.

8:00- The party is completed by the arrival of the mini ninja, the Scot, the scantily clad Indian Girl, and the Cowgirl. There was no intention of a western theme, it just turned out that way.

“Somebody should have held on to the meat cleaver!” - Indian Girl

8:30- Gay Hitler gives a haunting rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, with backup from Saloon Girls

9:00- Indian Girl has to be taught the proper way to scalp Hitler.

9:30- Saloon Girl #1 determines that feminists are shallow.

9:40- Hitler loves choir boys.

“Magical things happen for hookers!” - Saloon Girl #1

9:45- Mini Ninja explores the relationship and differences between racism and sexual preference.

9:50- Someone is stabbed with a chimp. No serious injury.

“How do you not orgasm when you feel creamed corn all over your body?” - Mini Ninja

9:55- Irishman arrives, is immediately made gay by Saloon Girl #1’s feather boa.

10:00- Gay Hitler vs. Gay Irishman. Place bets!

10:05- Indian Girl grows a mustache much like Gay Hitler’s

“You know you would totally do Danny Devito!” - Mini Ninja

10:10- Mini Ninja takes a spurt of icing to the face.

10:20- Sinatra beats car bombs.

10:30- Mother Theresa does porn.

10:40- Pizza Roll opera is performed by Gay Hitler. Is not taken as well as Bohemian Rhapsody.

10:50- Jesus pees himself.

11:00- NASCAR’s existence is confirmed

“Think, ‘you wouldn’t want to get raped there.’” - Gun Fighter

11:30- Alcohol conquers Ireland. Again.

“Stand like this, and we can do it back to back.” - Cowgirl

11:35- Douche bags inhabit zombie movies.

11:40- Gay Hitler gets cupcaked in the ass. No, that’s a literal statement.

11:45- Saloon Girl #2 admits to speaking nonsense, then continues without any excuse.

11:50- Mini Ninja admits to cheerleader movie fetish.

11:55- Indian girl prefers to smell like vanilla bean, rather than pepperoni.

12:00- Gay Hitler mocks Mini Ninja for kissing a guy.

12:05- The aforementioned vanilla bean, Natty Light, and oral sex are held in equal respect.

12:10- Groundskeepers sleep in coffins

12:30- The economy affects even zombies.

12:35- Revenge of the dissected frog from biology class.

12:40- Indian Girl falls in love with zombie children.

12:50- The apocalypse is ruled to be weirder than UFOs.

This will likely be taken off soon, given legal issues and whatnot, so watch it while you can!

What of it?

Some people might call this a dangerous and ludicrous activity.

I call it Saturday afternoon’s activity.

I’m not much of a candy person. I prefer food that once had bones, mobility, and feelings. But I do enjoy snickers from time to time. And since I identify with both guys in this video, it must be shared.

For those of you who don’t know (there’s likely to be few of you), DragonCon is an anual pop culture festival in Atlanta that focuses on comic books, gaming, movies, and really anything that you can have a geek for. For the majority of the year, I count myself as a movie geek, but even I can’t claim that title at DragonCon.

This is because Dragoncon gives new meaning to the term ‘geek’. I speak of the costumes of course. Take this one for instance-

That guy standing next to him was about six feet tall. And the guy in the costume could move fairly well. This is the kind of geek dedication I speak of. A few years ago, one guy went as a 20-sided die. As to who locked him in his costume and kicked him down an upward escalator is anyone’s guess.

See? Geeks.

Here’s Widgett and Ken going in Undercover. Since no one knew they were coming, the first needcoffee panel was invaded by ZZ Top, and the bastard child of Spider Jerusalem and Snidely Whiplash.

They get younger every year. The R2-D2 robot could move, swivel it’s head, and make the sound effects, so you can imagine the baby’s confusion. Ironically, that baby will probably grow up to regard that robot as it’s ‘real’ dad.

Don’t even know what that is.

You get a few of these every year- He’s a Marine from ‘Aliens’. For some reason, this one brought his pet peacock.

You get a few of these every year too. The one on the right should be careful with that lighter, though. We all know how necrotic flesh can go up with one spark.

Oh God, two horrible movies had a child! It will probably grow up to be a sitcom.

We all remember these guys. So I’ll not speak a word. Especially not as to what the one on the right is doing.

SPARTANS!!! TONIGHT, WE DINE, IN that cool restaurant down the street that has it’s own little brewry. Neato. Grab the drunk girl.

DragonCon is the only place where you can find the Predator waiting for the elevator, and run into Indiana Jones helping some Nazis lug the Ark around while both versions of Willy Wonka look on. There’s something extrememly messed up, and maybe a little sad about the people who spend the entire year working nonstop on a costume they will wear for three days, but it’s what they love, so who’s to judge?

Unless they dress up like a 20-sided die. That’s wedgie material.

I try not to get too exited about movies that look really good. Because some of them turn out to be some of the most godawful crap ever to hit Ang Lee’s mind. Did I say Ang Lee? I meant… No, Ang Lee. We all like to pretend Hulk never happened. And Brokeback Mountain was overrated. Yeah, I said it. Now what are you going to do?

Anyway, as I was saying, I try not to get exited by trailers, but when you have a shoot ‘em up movie starring Clive Owen that’s actually called Shoot ‘Em Up, you’re not playing fair.

Apparently the new “in” thing is to put songs to scenes from online video games. Normally, I’d say this is just nerds trying to pass the time as they approach age 40 while living in their parents’ basement, but Jonathan Coulton’s “re: Your Brains” is a smash hit among those of us who are as screwed up as I am. Thus, this video kicks loads of ass.

Oh yeah, for all other things zombie, we continually update contingency plans and inform the public here. So go there and be scared into vigilance.

I don’t normally make a habit of telling people off in the street, but when they start it, I do so with gusto. I was walking out of target to see that a chubby man with a bad combover in a bright red thunderbird had parked next to me. As I was getting into my explorer, we exchanged the following:

“Nice SUV! That thing come with a soccer mom? (stupid pretentious laughter)”

“Nice midlife crisis. That thing come with a forboding sense of your own mortality?”

He was still standing there with his mouth open when I drove off.