Getting right to the subject, I don’t watch porn. Just not my cup of tea. And I don’t even like tea. I do have one exception though.
Porn bloopers. They crack me up every single time. I’m not sure why this is, but something about people being so serious about engaing in wanton carnality for display and profit, and then botching the job so epically just sets me to laughing uncontrollably.
This is one of the better ones I’ve seen. It’s boring and pointless up until the end, so you can skip over to the 45 second mark, and watch from there.
Yesterday morning I was making breakfast. A seemingly harmless task, save for the occasional unfortunate encounter with a live stovetop. I peeled the paper off of the can of biscuit dough, but didn’t pop it open, thinking that it would be better to prepare the potatoes before putting them in the oven. So I walked across the kitchen with a knife to cut open the potatoes. So far, so good.
Then the can of biscuits exploded on the counter. I spun around and speared the popped can with my knife from about 7 paces, and was left breathing hard and trying to come down from an adrenaline rush induced by something that sounded remarkably like a gunshot.
My first coherent thought was “Wow. Still got it.”
My second thought was “Wow. Am I really that jumpy?”
I will never doubt the superiority of the grill as the chief appliance in the preparation of the greatest of foodstuffs. But when we see something like this, it’s hard not to imagine cooking a damn fine steak on your countertop without having to resort to the gadgetry of a ex-boxer.
Ladies and Gentlemen, as well as the people who actualy read this, I give you… The Steak Toaster
I’ve heard of most of these before. As a psychologist, my personal favorite is #8- Project Orcon, where celebrated behaviorist B.F. Skinner proposed the use of pigeon-guided bombs to avoid the hassle of ground defense jamming equipment.
Here’s an excerpt from their description of #4- The Gay Bomb: “The Gay Bomb is exactly what it sounds like; a weapon that would rend our enemies asunder with gay. Actual, weaponized gay.”
I didn’t actually watch last night’s state of the union address, nor do I care what was said. I had more important things to do. Like counting dead ants or something. I hate politics. But I don’t believe any of that leaves me unqualified to make my own commentary over it, as I could do just as well as any other address commentary I’ve seen over the years. I’ll just have to add my own self-interested crap like they do.
Please note: I’m not suggesting the first lady is actually bigfoot. That’s a different kind of blog. I’m just saying it’s not a flatering pose. Now we break for some gratuitous destruction-
…And we’re back.
What I see here is a Bond-esque supervillain scene. That’s the suave spy Sen. Langevin strapped to a chair as Hillary foolishly spills her entire evil plan to him.
-”You’ll never get away with this Clinton!”
-”Of course I will. Not that you’ll live to see it! HAhahahaha!”
Then Langevin ejects blades out of his sleeves to cut his binding, and slays all her evil henchmen. Or he would, if Hillary had any actual supporters.
“See Ted? That man over there remembered his pants.”
As Bush gives ‘em the old razzle dazzle, Cheney’s unflinching gaze continues to burn into the back of his head, and Pelosi decides it’s a good time to finish reading Harry Potter.
-”Psst, Brock!”
-”That’s Barak”
-”Yeah. Um… Hillary over there keeps eyeballing me. Can I borrow your pants?”
