Yes, this is apparently an actual thing. For the paltry sum of $1.4 million, you can have your own mech. Check it out.

Sure, it’s got that whole “BBs and water bottles” weapon system, but that would take about an hour to correct. And the smile activated firing system is just supervillainous.

Okay, new plan. I’m going to create a company called “Fuck You Flowers.” Obviously, it’s like a candy gram, except instead of candy or beautiful flower arrangements, it’s dead flowers. The delivery man will smell bad, blow cigar smoke in your intended’s face, and deliver some trite and insulting message. Perfect for break ups, quitting a job, or mothers-in-law. For Christmas, a half-drunk Santa would show up with some dead poinsettias and some candy canes. He breaks the candy canes in front of you and leaves. You know you’d use it. You’re thinking of someone right now.

Since I’ve recently married into a family that is constantly having babies…

Constantly. Having. Babies.

…I’ve had to be on the lookout for baby-friendly material. I saw this one, and it begged to be shared.

Of course we all know that in reality, chainsaws would be a poor choice for anti-zombie warfare. They’re heavy, they run on precious fuel, and they sling contagious gore everywhere. But it’s always good to see that manufacturers are getting into the anti-zombie line of weaponry. So… kudos for effort.

This is not the kind of thing you question. You simply watch… and possibly take notes.

The Molestache

The Pornstache

The Handlebar

The Bandito

The Dastardly

The Walrus

The Guy Fawkes

The Hitler

The Mario

This is here for obvious reasons. Enjoy.

After an extended hiatus, we’re back with a doozy.

Here’s another priceless bit from a group called planestupid, whose ineffective antics we’ve heard of before here. In their effort to protest something or other, or promote veganism or something else that will invariable involve the word ‘green’, they have accidentally created a highly amusing video.

No one cares what they intended it for, but the funny part is that they intended it to be horrific for all who see it. Don’t think they counted on me seeing it.

Ladies and Gentlemen…. It’s raining polar bears.

LOOK UPON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY AND TREMBLE!!!!

Dick and Jane are the archetypal suburban children who aided us all in our pursuit of literacy.

By engaging in easily related, and easily read acts of bored inanity, they allowed us to easily recognize words such as run, go, play, and Rockwellianism.

Dick and Jane are a staple of a simpler, more innocent time, as well as a fond memory from most of our childhoods. And as such, they must be destroyed.

Dick says “This one will fetch a high price with the Chechens!” Get her Jane!

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Father accepts a package from someone in a black car with diplomatic plates. Spy Pop, spy!

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“Good news, kids! One of you will be auctioned soon! Don't worry, Dick. I still love you enough.”

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Dick likes E! Trip Dick, trip!

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Oh no Jane! Zombie Sally has found us! Jump on the boats, Jane!

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Emo Dick reads the obituaries every day. Cry Dick, cry!

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Sally eats dog food! Sally is ‘special!’

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Dick catches Jane with her dolls in compromising positions. “I’m telling mother!”

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Jane offers prayers to her new dolly idols. Sin Jane, sin!

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Father uses child labor to unload the groceries.

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“Uh-oh, Sally! Puff is in heat again!”

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Hydrophobia is a severe problem in the suburbs this time of year.

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The IRA has trained Dick and Jane very well. “Let’s teach Sally to make Plastique!”

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“Help! Police! A prohibition-era gangster stole my tricycle!”

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Whenever Dick started his roller skate shenanigans, Spot knew to head straight for the ravine.

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Please allow me to apologize for the next one in advance.

Little Timmy hates sloppy seconds.

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“Uh-oh, Darling, it looks like the kids have gotten into the stash again!” Ha-ha-ha!

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Sally begins a lucrative career with a pet ransom business.

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Dick and Jane join the local swinger’s club.

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Pop told Dick to go outside and cut a switch. “Oh no, Spot! Come back!”

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Hey, Jane! What’s Spot gotten into? It’s a hallucinogenic toad! Good Spot!

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Dick and Sally visit tolerance camp.

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“No, Dick! The cookies are for the purebred. You eat on the porch! Don’t make me use this broom on you again!”

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Big brother has important messages for Jane on the civilian-net. “Your life is a tool of the state to use as we please!” Jane loves big brother.

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Timmy sells his wares at the local Turkish Bazaar.

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‘Sally the Baptist’ is normally patient, but she needs information from Teddy now. Talk Teddy, talk!

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Zombie Sally pursues a snack.

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Oh yeah- and if you think I’m bad for going to so much trouble to humiliate childhood icons,

Check out these sickos. I’m good. But they’re better.