If you’re French, then you’re probably not reading this, because you got tired of me mocking your country, military, hygeine, and obsession with having multiple sauces on everything you eat. But if you’re one of those French people who masochistically endures all these slights just for the scathing caress of my hurculean wit, then you’re in for a treat.
The legendary Hotel Royal Monceau in Paris is being demolished piece by piece, and you’re invited! Go to their demolition party, and break apart a historical landmark with hammers.
One of these pictures is Gary Oldman playing Jim Gordan in Batman Begins. The other one is Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, who brutally killed 48 women (that we know of).
It’s obvious which is which, but the resemblance is still uncanny. As far as I know, no one has written a crossover of Batman chasing the Green River Killer who turns out to be his ally.
I KICKED A CAT IN THE FACE OVER A PIZZA TOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allow me to explain.
Recently, I brought some pizzas to my girlfriend’s apartment to share with her and her roommate. As I was liberally dispensing crushed red pepper over my pizza, one flake fell to the floor, withing a single bound’s reach of the cat. Knowing that the cat would try to eat it, as this is not the first time she’s tried, I quickly shot out my foot to cover the pepper before she could get to it. The cat, with catlike speed, nearly beat me to it, but instead connected her face to my boot with a very un-catlike clunk. She was uninjured, as having been deterred, she resumed grooming herself.
So you see, it was in the cat’s best interest that I acted, and accidentally kicked her, leaving her no worse for the wear. Just thought I’d clear that up before I get any gripey emails from pissed off cat lovers who will remain nameless.
I love my girlfriend for many reasons. One of these many reasons is that despite being all of 115 lbs soaking wet, she can not only handle a Desert Eagle .50 AE, but she can actually hit what she’s aiming at.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always right. But when you’ve been through as many psychologically scarring situations as I have, you get a kind of sixth sense for them.
I’m not saying all PETA members are delusional psychopaths who are intent on destroying anything having any association with animals, including shelters. Just that most of them are.
Some PETA members are just misguided animal lovers, who I have no problem with. It’s the terrorists that belong to the organization that get on my nerves. Specifically, the nerves that tell me when something bad is coming. I get that feeling from them. I know this article is written by the onion, which means it’s less true than some, but given the way that particular terrorist organization is coming, it’s not far off from what I see them turning into. Or rather, what they already are but refuse to admit currently.
I don’t know if I can take full credit for this, but I’ll certainly be meeting them on the field of glory.
I know this might concern some of you, with fears of occupation and enslavement by a horde of beret-and-suspenders-wearing circus rejects who will force you to play charades for the rest of your lives, but fear not. They’ll never set foot on the coast. And the only box they will be trapped in will be made of pine!
I don’t really do comic books. Never did. So this is really for everyone else’s amusement. I’m sure everyone has their preferences, so you can bother each other with them.
