Dick and Jane revisited
Dick and Jane are the archetypal suburban children who aided us all in our pursuit of literacy.
By engaging in easily related, and easily read acts of bored inanity, they allowed us to easily recognize words such as run, go, play, and Rockwellianism.
Dick and Jane are a staple of a simpler, more innocent time, as well as a fond memory from most of our childhoods. And as such, they must be destroyed.
Dick says “This one will fetch a high price with the Chechens!” Get her Jane!
Father accepts a package from someone in a black car with diplomatic plates. Spy Pop, spy!
“Good news, kids! One of you will be auctioned soon! Don't worry, Dick. I still love you enough.”
Dick likes E! Trip Dick, trip!
Oh no Jane! Zombie Sally has found us! Jump on the boats, Jane!
Emo Dick reads the obituaries every day. Cry Dick, cry!
Sally eats dog food! Sally is ‘special!’
Dick catches Jane with her dolls in compromising positions. “I’m telling mother!”
Jane offers prayers to her new dolly idols. Sin Jane, sin!
Father uses child labor to unload the groceries.
“Uh-oh, Sally! Puff is in heat again!”
Hydrophobia is a severe problem in the suburbs this time of year.
The IRA has trained Dick and Jane very well. “Let’s teach Sally to make Plastique!”
“Help! Police! A prohibition-era gangster stole my tricycle!”
Whenever Dick started his roller skate shenanigans, Spot knew to head straight for the ravine.
Please allow me to apologize for the next one in advance.
Little Timmy hates sloppy seconds.
“Uh-oh, Darling, it looks like the kids have gotten into the stash again!” Ha-ha-ha!
Sally begins a lucrative career with a pet ransom business.
Dick and Jane join the local swinger’s club.
Pop told Dick to go outside and cut a switch. “Oh no, Spot! Come back!”
Hey, Jane! What’s Spot gotten into? It’s a hallucinogenic toad! Good Spot!
Dick and Sally visit tolerance camp.
“No, Dick! The cookies are for the purebred. You eat on the porch! Don’t make me use this broom on you again!”
Big brother has important messages for Jane on the civilian-net. “Your life is a tool of the state to use as we please!” Jane loves big brother.
Timmy sells his wares at the local Turkish Bazaar.
‘Sally the Baptist’ is normally patient, but she needs information from Teddy now. Talk Teddy, talk!
Zombie Sally pursues a snack.
Oh yeah- and if you think I’m bad for going to so much trouble to humiliate childhood icons,
Check out these sickos. I’m good. But they’re better.
This guy may have been playing too much GEARS OF WAR, but there’s no denying the sheer awesomeness of what he’s created.
My only complaint with the article is that they claim it is the ultimate zombie killing weapon. As we all know, a chainsaw is an insufficient, although cliched anti-zombie weapon. The last thing you need is a stream of infected zombie blood shooting back in your direction from that range.
That being said, my hat goes off to this man for his innovation in the field of psychological warfare. Or it would, if I ever wore a hat.