If you’re French, then you’re probably not reading this, because you got tired of me mocking your country, military, hygeine, and obsession with having multiple sauces on everything you eat. But if you’re one of those French people who masochistically endures all these slights just for the scathing caress of my hurculean wit, then you’re in for a treat.
The legendary Hotel Royal Monceau in Paris is being demolished piece by piece, and you’re invited! Go to their demolition party, and break apart a historical landmark with hammers.
You know, if you can lift one.
I went back to my hometown of Huntsville the other day, where the newspaper is delivered with free samples of pudding (No, I’m not joking). Alabama can be an interesting place. Especially when it’s compared to someplace like New York.
On my way, a car in front of me started blowing white smoke from the hood. The driver pulled over, and against my better judgement, I stopped to help. I grabbed a bottle of water for her radiator, and stepped up to help. On the way, I noticed her license plate. She was from New York. Before I approached the door, I announced something about her needing some water. This is something you wouldn’t expect to elicit any hostility. But remember this is me we’re dealing with.
The driver stepped out of her door and immediately triggered a can of mace aimed directly at my face. I’ve learned many things in my life. One of the newest lessons is that it’s difficult to convince a woman that you’re not trying to hurt her while you’re disarming her of a can of mace. I took a glancing blow in the left eye as I dodged the stream, and will have ultraviolet dye on my neck for the next 4-6 weeks, but I’m not blind.
I like to think that I can take everything in stride. It is in this tradition that I not only helped the woman with her radiator, but I complimented her choice of mace, and taught her a better way of holding it to make the stream more accurate. Hopefully she will have changed her mind about people from Alabama.
From people who need to be maced, to people for whom mace is not enough. That’ll show her.