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Monday March 03rd 2008, 8:33 pm
Filed under: My shit luck with all things

Sometimes when I talk about my shit luck with all things, people think I’m just being pessimistic, that I focus on the bad things because I’m some kind of emo prick. Well I’m not. I haven’t had bangs in 9 years.

I work at a psychiatric hospital set out in a very secluded area. The closest place to make food and drink runs is a combination McDonalds/Pilot gas station about 10 minutes away. I made a run there last night at about 3:30am to grab some drinks and pretzels. As soon as I walked in the door, I heard someone dashing like mad out the back door of the McDonalds. That’s when I noticed the upraised position of the arms of everyone present. Either they were holding a small rave, or they had just been held up. I saw no blacklights.

About 5 seconds after I walked in the door, just as I was trying to calm people down to see if everyone was okay, here comes the fuzz. Some flashing lights and rushing uniforms tend to send mixed signals to my head, and here’s why- no sooner were the cops through the door that I found myself filling the sights of six Beretta 9mms. Seeing as I was the only one present not wearing a uniform or positioned behind a counter, they automatically assumed that I was the one responsible for the silent alarm.

Fortunately, the employees were very quick to confirm that I was not the one who had held them up, that he had made haste out the back door, that he was wearing a blue hoodie, and had arrived in the blue van parked outside. Despite the specifics, one of the cops, namely an obvious rookie who had come through the door with his gun pointed at my head took out his cuffs and said that he would have to detain me “until they’re sure.”

Now, having a gun pointed at my head is one of my little pet peeves, so I wasn’t feeling too terribly cooperative at the moment. Add that to the fact that extortion of authority figures is always something I’ve excelled at.
COP: “Turn around please.”
ME: “You know when you guys came through the door, you were the one with your gun pointed at my head. Which is interesting, as you cops are supposed to aim for
center mass. That’s the kind of thing that doesn’t look good to superiors, given that the
whole thing is on camera. So why don’t you be a good cop and go review the security
OTHER COP: “Leave him alone, Jim.”

After everything was cleared up and I’d given my statement, I finally got back to work, having taken about twice as long as I should have for my break, so I had my supervisor to answer to. Fortunately, she was understanding, and I checked in with security to be on the lookout for blue hoodies. So you see, this is not just me being a pessimist. This is simply the way the universe opperates.

The funny part is that on the security footage of the cops rushing in, and me raising my arms, you can clearly see me rolling my eyes.

3 Comments so far
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I can’t decide if this is funny because I can totally see you rolling your eyes, or this is tragic because, you know, all the bad stuff. And tragicomic is so meta.

You know you stage this stuff to be a drama queen. You totally do.

Comment by Dindrane 03.04.08 @ 11:39 am

Its stuff that makes me love you. You’re so fearless, not to mention badass. I’m just glad that you didn’t kick the rookies ass.

Comment by Tinkerelf 03.05.08 @ 12:59 pm

Yes, nothing says ‘innocent of the charges’ like pistol whipping a cop.

Comment by Siege 03.09.08 @ 4:49 pm

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