Someone actually took the time to put this together
Friday May 25th 2007, 4:07 pm
Filed under: Random bits of cheese

When things go awry, it can be funny. But when something goes wrong in church, it can be hilarious. Well, depending on what kind of ‘wrong’ you’re talking about.

Mother’s day
Monday May 14th 2007, 12:38 pm
Filed under: Stains of Glee

It takes a very patient person to be a mother. And if you’re my mother, well that’s an entirely different kind of patient.

First, I was an escape artist from the very beginning. No one ever figured out how I kept getting out of my crib, and as soon as I learned to walk, I learned to work the doors, which is unfortunate when you live right next to a rocky ravine. My mother had to keep me on a leash whenever we went out. But not wanting to appear uncivil, she adapted the system to be more of a phone cord that connected us by velcro wrist bands. The problem with having a mini hellion connected to your arm is that when you’re on a pay phone, said demon baby will walk around your legs until they’re wrapped up, then rip off the velcro and run. The leash came to an end when I finally snapped it as a three-year-old.

Later, at the age of five, I would be climbing in a large tree in the front yard, swinging around pretending to be Robin Hood, when I would fall and land on my arm on top of an upraised root. So I broke my arm in two places, having to be rushed to the emergency room. The same thing would happen again four years later.

After that came the burning of the living room carpet, the insurance fraud, the getting in fights, all before I even had a learner’s permit. In less than a week, my mother will be attending my graduation from college. And she’s going to cry, because she misses those days when all this happened. That’s the kind of patience I’m talking about.

So if you didn’t call your mother yesterday, beat yourself repeatedly with a weighted lash, then call her now, and come up with a convincing reason why you couldn’t do so on mother’s day. Like a car wreck or something. Happy mother’s day to all you mothers out there, and I hope your children are better behaved than I was.

Oh yeah- I wasn’t an only child. I had two sisters before me. One of them was fond of bringing in roadkill for artistic purposes. Just wait until father’s day.

trouble in paradise
Wednesday May 09th 2007, 12:00 pm
Filed under: Random bits of cheese

LA is being plagued by fires. Apparently they pulled an arsonist out of the flames after he got a little scorched. Amateur. My only question regards the two out-of-focus tourists in this picture.

Why are they so nude?

Monday May 07th 2007, 11:18 pm
Filed under: Random bits of cheese


not really my area
Monday May 07th 2007, 9:25 am
Filed under: General Skullduggery

I don’t really do comic books. Never did. So this is really for everyone else’s amusement. I’m sure everyone has their preferences, so you can bother each other with them.

I should be unconscious
Monday May 07th 2007, 9:15 am
Filed under: General Skullduggery

I’ve had 2 hours of sleep since Saturday morning, and yet I am surprisingly alert.

I think I might have accidentally evolved.

I hate it when that happens.

You’d never need a lantern in the jungle
Wednesday May 02nd 2007, 9:16 pm
Filed under: Random bits of cheese

Scientists have managed to genetically engineer a glow-in-the-dark monkey. Take a second for that. I’ll wait…

You might ask why they would do such a thing. They claim that by transferring the bioluminescent jellyfish gene into the monkey embryo, it allows them to better define the process and possible treatments of genetic diseases.

Ha. Sure.

They created the glow monkeys because it’s FREAKIN’ GLOW MONKEYS!! I mean come on! You want one of these as much as I do. And not just because they’d be easy to find in the dark, or serve as a mobile night light. You want one because it’s a freakin’ glow monkey. Don’t lie to yourself. You know it’s true.

Still Sexy
Tuesday May 01st 2007, 11:09 am
Filed under: Links for the Glum,Stains of Glee

Miss America 1944, now 82 years old, leans on her walker to shoot out some would-be-intruders’ tires. Check it out.

Notice- she used a snub-nosed .38- not a very accurate gun. So she’s either one hell of a shot, or she got up close and personal. Either way, she kicks ass. If there were ever a Miss America contest that involved marksmanship as a talent competition, I might actually consider paying attention. Maybe.