Just spent a week at the beach.

Broke a urinal on the way back.

Some people don’t believe me when I say that any given moose is absolutely crazy. Even the one in the opening credits of Northern Exposure.

You believe me now?

The steel base of my office chair just cracked under me.

Damn.

Bigfoot caused global warming, you know. He was working with the CIA so they could put a colony on the moon. That’s why I wear the aluminum foil hat, and hang wire coat hangers from the ceiling. So they can’t steal my thoughts. That’s also where earthquakes come from. They use them to keep tabs on governments, so that Nessie could keep her political power. Once we get this done, then we can start taking back all their power. It’s not theirs to begin with, you know. The stole it from the dinosaurs first.