Filed under: Random bits of cheese
I spent all of Tuesday night at work among psychologically troubled children, one of whom decided he would open up to me, spilling his guts about everything we were trying to help him with, which means paperwork for me. After trying to knock a cat out of a tree alongside two yapping Labradors (no easy task), I started to drive to the dorms on what was probably the coldest morning of the winter. At one point, I found myself thinking, “Hmm, the road ahead seems shinier than usual. And cars aren’t supposed to drive sideways like that.” Black ice. Fun stuff. After pulling a 180 to drag to a stop in a 2 wheel drive SUV, I screeched off the ice back onto the asphalt just before I would have stopped anyway. So I had a good time trying to turn back around on the interstate while avoiding the other cars sliding in my direction. Kind of like figure skating. Only with a two-ton vehicle. Did I mention I was on a bridge? I meant to.
I had to park halfway across campus, and when I got to my dorm, actually feeling chilly in my shorts and tshirt in the 22 degree weather, I went upstairs to find a note from my girlfriend on the board. She always leaves me a sweet message when I have to work overnight, and they always make my day. Then I walked through the door and smelled something. I decided it would be one of those things that will go away if you just ignore it.
I got ready for class and went to attend a lecture on environmental ethics by a representative of the company responsible for half of the air pollutants in the smoky mountains. After he was done droning on, I went to the classroom to find a strange man with beads in his beard telling me he loves me. Then he told us about Buddhism.
I spent the rest of the day writing a paper instilling ethical systems into three news stories from the New York Times, preparing for the next day’s debate, and possibly blacking out at one point. At least this time I didn’t wake up naked in the woods next to a disemboweled deer with blood all over my mouth thinking ‘Not again!’ But I don’t remember sleeping at all. I spent the night correcting papers, studying for a quiz, and shooting zombies on the computer. Then came the debates. I went to class to hear a debate on euthanasia where I heard dogma from the church of euthanasia, who apparently has instructions for skinning and preparing a human corpse, complete with a recipe for barbeque sauce. Then it was our turn. Our goal was to commit every logical fallacy we could.
We were arguing for evolution’s course against the principle of protecting the weak in the world, so I started by writing ‘Blessed are the meek, for they are tasty’ on the board. During the debate, my colleague, Dave dazzled everyone with biological terminology even he didn’t understand, while I called our opponents names like communists, pedophiles, and cubs fans. I was especially proud of our closing comment-
“Some guy named Jesus once said ‘Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.’ But what Jesus blatantly failed to realize is that it’s the meek who are the problem to begin with. The meek should take a good look at the earth, ’cause they won’t be inheriting it any time soon. If the meek ever did inherit the earth, they won’t, but if by some miracle they did, then I would take it back by force the very next day. So call me an animal, call me a monster, it doesn’t matter. Because when the world is mine, you’ll all call me Master.”
That’s right. I committed a logical fallacy with Jesus. And quoted Monty Python. In the same sentence!
Then I went back to the room to pass the hell out for about 7 hours. Which for me is very impressive. Then I woke up to eat and bathe and all that jazz, before starting on two more papers. I’ve written my environmental ethics paper, where I mocked hippies for a few pages, and my vocation paper were I summed up my personal ethical system in the act of hitting a mime with a toilet. Now I’m going to relax for a few hours, and read my pocket copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this frolicsome romp in my shoes. So get off the floor, stop laughing and/or crying, and get on with your own life, now that I’ve put it in perspective.
Oh- and that smell did go away.