This is one of those out-of-the-blue shorts that SNL surprises us with. Somehow made more believable by Orlando Bloom. Or Justing Timberlake. Whoever the hell that is. Warning- if you’re easily offended, or related to my girlfriend in any way, do not- I repeat- do not click below.

You did it anyway, didn’t you? Well don’t worry. Two little words will put your mind at ease-

Paper. Cuts.

That is all.

And before you ask, yes, I’ve made an art form out of the other six as well. Wrath is my personal favorite. But this is a play by play of my dinner last night at Ruby Tuesday, where I ordered the Colossal burger.

This thing comes with a steak knife stuck straight down the center. Some say this is to keep it together. I say they put it in so you know it’s dead. Because the use so much of the cow, a skilled veterenarian could still save it.

So I tore into a couple half-pound patties as Robert monitored my progress with his camera phone (Here’s his place. Go have a visit and break some furniture). This is me realizing that I forgot to chew that last bite. The waitresses behind me are betting on whether or not I will keel over before I’m done.

This is where my ability to dislocate my jaw comes in handy. This is about where I reached critical mass. If I compressed the burger any further from my Allosaurus bites, I would have to start converting mass to energy, and I didn’t have a particle accelerator handy, so I had to finish up quick.

That puddle of grease on the left is what fell from the burger like rain off the roof. I asked Robert to stack some sugar packets under the opposite side of the plate so that the grease would pool, and not soak my fries.

Finish line. As I cleanse my palate with the remainder of my Coke, one waitress owed another some money, and I finished off my garlic bread and decided against desert.

“The show’s over. Why are you still taking pictures of me? Freak.”

Some people are worried that we are taking the field of artificial intelligence too far. And that the scenario put forth by the Terminator movies is close at hand. Keep in mind, these are the people who look at the roomba and tremble.

This is the closest thing we have to the mighty Terminator.

Via: VideoSift

I’m not worried.

Normal people might use scissors to destroy a check card which is expired and has been replaced.

I use throwing knives, shuriken, and two more people to throw them. Hee.

It’s the last biopsychology class of the semester. It’s boring. What does one do to make things more exiting?

Releasing a herd of puppies in the building is apparently a good start.

People like me are being thought of when they design things like this.

Too bad it still looks like a man-purse.

I just managed to bake tortilla dough into my flesh.

Flaky.