Vintage ads
Sunday August 13th 2006, 4:31 am
Filed under: Random bits of cheese,Stains of Glee

I’m no James Lileks, but I simply can’t leave these alone. At one point or another, somebody somewhere thought that each one of these ads was a good idea.

Believe the cigarette. Know the cigarette. Be the cigarette. You’ll have to for the summer of extra smoking. Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke.

God forbid the woman should let something as dull and undemanding as pregnancy get in the way of cooking breakfast. The men have things to do! Morning sickness?! Let’s see you put on a tie every morning.

And who says they’re marketing cigarettes to a younger crowd? That’s right, Junior. You never need to feel over-smoked. That is if you smoke a dozen packs a day. What do you mean ‘infant’? Marlboro’s the best of everything! Smoke! Smoooooooooooooooooke!

I’m not even touching this one.

90% correctable? The people who run ‘pray out the gay’ in Alabama will be thrilled to hear that.

Marvelous dream come true! Haven’t you always wanted to walk down the street having people stare at you while you sing along with your ridiculous Martian helmet? Of course you have!

There’s an Enzyte commercial in here somewhere…
“Here’s Jane. Jane is doing well. And here’s Jane’s friend Liz. Jane is teasing Liz with a suggestive ground meat product because Liz has a husband who has not made a call-“ Well, you get the message.

Blitzkreig (lightning war)- military tactic intended to create psychological shock and resultant disorganization in enemy forces through the employment of surprise, speed, and superiority in numbers or firepower, in order to permanently disable the enemy with a minimum of friendly casualties.

Somehow I doubt this tactic was ever used with a duck against the genitals of ethnic stereotypes. I could be wrong. But I don’t think so.

Including the hit singles “It’s better with 4”, and “Safety be damned”

Yoga in heels and nylon stockings. It’s far gayer than normal yoga. I’m sure Carmen Electra will make a video about it eventually.

Is there an ad somewhere?? Perhaps an ad for the ping-pong table? “Folds up to save space, but sturdy enough to paddle the buns of your average female malcontent. Get in line kids, ‘cause this is the life!”

“A wrinkle! I’m so distraught I don’t even notice my dislocated pinky!”

He has the vacant eyes of someone who’s been stripped of their cognitive abilities. Ivory- lobotomy in a bottle. In pure foam!


Accessorize! With matching Geiger counter, and portable AC unit. Note the lofted headgear, designed to leave your hairdo intact!

To blind yourself with giant mirrors attached to your eyelids every time you blink. Isn’t that what being a supermodel is all about?

It’s like Hannibal Lector had a baby with the Spanish Inquisition, then left it on Max Factor’s doorstep to raise as his own. Because beauty is PAIN!!

‘For your personal use’. No kidding. Money back if you’re not satisfied, ladies. They post this right after the vintage Enzyte commercial above.

This one’s my favorite. I don’t know why.

Maybe if I smoke Chesterfields like the Gipper, my hair will never move either! Superimposed you say? That sounds keen!

Pins? They used to use pins?!? What the hell!?!

Devolution through chocolate. Apparently realization that it’s Fry’s causes some crippling lackjaw disease.

In magnificent color! All the colo- well, red, at least.

Barbie’s revenge. This movie begs for MST3K.

I suppose after the travesty that was ‘New Coke’, they had to gain customers back using every advertising trick they had.

Back in the day, Bayer marketed heroin as a cure-all because they feared the side-effects of asprin. Of course this is coming from someone who made a D in psychopharmacology. You can draw your own conclusions.

A second later, the poor child was dragged back under the tub by some unknown demonic force. “No mommy. No more baths. I can’t feel my skin anymore for all the scrubbing! No! Noooooooooo!”

For the evil vamphyric clown in all of us.


No one escapes the Mexican Wrestling Federation! Not even Frankenstein!

The woman on the far left doesn’t look all that anguished. And the ones at the bottom just look incarcerated. Although I guess prison love is an anguish all of its own. But why is the woman in the middle upset? It’s just a stethoscope. Pansy.

Arsenic. The cure for syphilis. The cure for gonorrhea. The cure for life itself.

The man doesn’t appear all that concerned. Probably because the car is on the other side of the street, and he’s just curious as to why the child is casting a red shadow.

Viagra? No. Lysol! That’s the answer. What says “I want you baby” like a nice chemical burn in your nethers?

What kind of seeds will make you see an anthropomorphic radish? Eat your vegetables, kiddies, or J.A. Simmers will get you!

You heard him, Enlist! Or Betsy Ross will commit seppuku!

Weirder than Michael Jackson, or Gary Busey? Cher? I think not.

A safe enough razor for a baby to use on its neck. Right after a good cigarette. Shaaaaaaaaaaaave. Smooooooooooooooke.

Modern genetics technology allowed us to create a pig that not only grows into fully processed pimento loaf, but carves itself as well. Genius!

I’m surprised they haven’t resurrected this ad for the most recent axis. Or for the most recent VDs.

Because we all know how smoking was greatly encouraged by the metropolitan opera to its most prominent singers. Also, more doctors smoke Camels. So you know when you’re seen with a camel, they’ll say, “Hey, that guy really doesn’t give a damn.”

Unfortunately, shortly after this ad was drafted, the Pepsi generation was obliterated in the soda wars by the Coke generation. Probably fell victim to their sex-infused subliminal advertising.

5 Comments so far
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Yikes. I currently have about 20 freaked out comments in my mind for each picture. Scary.

Comment by Nicci 08.16.06 @ 2:15 pm

Sadly, I remember many of these ads.

Comment by Renee 09.02.06 @ 10:02 pm

so long as you’re not taking thorazine…

Comment by Siege 09.11.06 @ 10:33 pm


Thank you! What a treasure trove. Holy smokes, you’ve just given me a thousand blog posts for myself.

Comment by Th. 01.12.08 @ 11:31 pm

Keep it up (like I do :-)) Great site – loved the bit about yourselves.

Comment by juegos de azar internet 03.05.08 @ 10:19 am

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