No lies here
Friday July 21st 2006, 7:07 am
Filed under: Links for the Glum,Random bits of cheese

I won’t say that I’ve never done something stupid for a woman. That would be a lie.

I also won’t say that I’ve never set anything on fire for a stupid reason. That would also be a lie.

But I’ve never done this. And that’s not a lie.

Update- the above statement is a lie. I have blown something up for a girl. Because what says “I love you” more than a good, solid boom? But I’ve never set anything on fire to meet a girl. So there.

How? one might ask
Wednesday July 19th 2006, 6:48 am
Filed under: My shit luck with all things,Random bits of cheese

If you’ve never managed to cut yourself with salt, I can tell you-

It stings.

Oil, bullwhips, Martha Stewart, and children…
Wednesday July 12th 2006, 10:01 am
Filed under: My shit luck with all things,Random bits of cheese

… oh, and golf as well. Thus has been my morning.

I went to the Ford dealership to get an oil change, and it took quite a while. Before it was taken to the garage, however, interesting things had to happen. Because I can’t even get a vehicle serviced without looking like someone you wouldn’t want to housesit. The serviceman opened the door, and a bullwhip fell out at his feet. Yes, I have a bullwhip. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not what you think. Did I explain to him that I’m not an S&M freak? Of course not. I said, “You’d best ignore that.” and continued to the ‘customer’s lounge’.

There I spent the next two hours sitting next to a four-year-old who sat there tying knots in the drawstrings of his shorts, guaranteeing the use of a blade to remove them, while watching Martha Stewart on the convenient TV (“It’s a good idea to hang a sheet set on a pullstring above the bars of your cell door. That way, the guards won’t be witness to your activities with your cellmate. And that’s a good thing.”)

The only reading material available were Ford pamphlets, and a golf magazine. I read the pamphlets first. It took five minutes. And I’m not fond of golf.

So, what can you do with small children, some golf balls, a whip, and Martha Stewart? Well, among other things, you can visit a Ford dealership.

For the one on your list who has everything…
Tuesday July 11th 2006, 10:42 pm
Filed under: Links for the Glum

… give them the gift that keeps on giving here.

For cutting stuff off your face-
Monday July 10th 2006, 6:13 am
Filed under: My shit luck with all things,Random bits of cheese

You’d think that all razors are made the same way. And that since women’s razors are cheaper, that you should get them instead.

But you’d be wrong.

You’d be left with a face full of stubble, and some useless purple razors.

Schoolgirl Violence
Sunday July 02nd 2006, 7:01 pm
Filed under: Random bits of cheese

I’ve ranted on violence against women before. That’s why this makes me laugh.

Via: VideoSift