kids today…
Wednesday February 01st 2006, 1:00 am
Filed under: Random bits of cheese

Why is it that people seem to think that every little thing must be modified for use by children under the age of three? This morning I was in Target, and the woman behind me in line felt that I should be ashamed for wearing this shirt in the presence of her children. I looked at the two children in the cart, one of which was an infant, the other no more than two, who was trying to gnaw her way into a package of Hershey’s Kisses. I expressed my doubts that the children could read the shirt, and thus the lack of any damage, but I failed to assuage her concerns.

Granted, the shirt is not intended to give children advice, that’s what Seseme Street is for. But now that’s being dampered as well. Because we no longer live in a world where ‘C’ is for cookie, because saying as much apparently promotes childhood obesity. And so cookie monster now sings that “Cookies are a sometimes food.” I’m not saying that childhood obesity isn’t a problem. Because it is. It’s a ridiculous problem. But I doubt the problem lies with the muppets. The problem is that parents will feed their children anything to save time. This means a lot of McDonalds. So here’s a clue- Stop feeding your children fake meat deep fried in axel grease. Or at least not as much. And if you think that’s all your children will eat, you’re wrong. They’ll eat the healthy stuff when they’re hungry. You just can’t spoil them with the cursed happy meals.

Why can’t we go back to the good old days like we see in the movies? When the teenagers were all over thirty, and they could all enjoy delicious, healthy, nonaddictive cigarettes, because biocarcinogens hadn’t been invented by the liberals yet.

Okay, so the good old days sucked as well. All those unwanted pregnancies add up after a while. So let’s not look to the past. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, let’s all look to the future. Do we want the next generation to be running the country while they’re all running on two triple-bypass surgeries? No, we don’t. So let’s just leave Seseme Street alone, and if that’s too much, then turn off the damn TV, and give your child a book. You remember? Those things with the pages. The entire world shouldn’t have to stop just because a school bus did.

So don’t let society take over your children’s lives before they’ve even started. You know how to raise them, so do it. Don’t leave it to the TV, and don’t get worked up about something that isn’t mind-numbingly P.C. You’re shifting blame to where it does not belong. If your child is winds up addicted to drugs, it isn’t because of my shirt, and it isn’t because of cookie monster. It’s because they chose to take drugs. So teach them better than that. Take a little credit for yourself.

And take the package of Hershey’s Kisses away. You don’t know where that’s been.

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