…In college, it’s an art form. Something to be nurtured to show one’s creativity and resourcefulness. For instance: lying to my suitemate to fill my bedroom and bathroom with shrimp over spring break so it stinks like roadkill in the sun is pretty damn creative and resourceful. Kudos to two girls named Whitney and Sara for that. As for my roommate and I, our resorcefulness in pranking is equalled only by our sense of revenge. On a weekend when their room would be empty, they were sure to lock the door. But living on the fourth floor, they overlooked the window. Silly them. We rappeled in through the roof, and did this-
Cedar chips and balloons covering the floor in the sink area. Turns out Sara’s allergic to cedar. And this is how she found out. She still hasn’t paid the medical bill we sent her for allergy assessment.
The rest of the balloons. We had trouble closing the door.
Bedroom floor covered in confetti and silly string. Not easy to vacuum.
One of two tubs of chive and onion cream cheese we left open. This one we deliberately left easy to find. The other not so much.
Kool Aid in the bathtub. We’re bastards like that.
Jell-O in the toilet bowl. We’re even bigger bastards like that.
Laundry soap in the toilet tank waiting for the water to be turned back on. There’s no end to our bastardy, is there?
We also turned off the air, and put flour in the vents. And filled the shower head with shave gel. Then we left a nice note on the mirror, and ordered a revenge pizza. Customary when pulling off something like this. These pictures are only from the biggest job we’ve pulled as of yet. We’ve also covered half a room in aluminum foil, shrinkwrapped cars, and blocked doors with garbage bags holding newspaper clippings to the door until it is opened. We’ve also blocked doors with a wall of paper plates, duct tape, and barricades. With all the planning that went in to this one, I can’t help but feel that we should be pulling bank heists. It would probably pay better.
Educating children in their christian faith can be beneficial to their development. Then there’s this. It’s pretty hardcore. Oh, and don’t mouse over the lamb at the top. You’ll jump and punch your computer like I did. And remember- the Z is for zealousness.
A Photo Walkthrough of Recent Events…
The ironically named Carnegie Hall. Until recently, the main party dorm on campus. Then they started enforcing alcohol consumption by minors laws, and took steps to revamp the dorm, and get rid of the stench of cigarettes, beer, vomit, and personal lubricant. New carpet, new tiles, and new car smell. But that was before the sprinkler flood. Now the carpet and tile is ripped up, and the fragrence of mold fills the air. Carnegie- Constantly Improving!
Here’s me and my friend Dave surveying the damage. This is shortly after part of the ceiling in our bathroom caved in on me, releasing a torrent of brown water. Water should never be brown. But dave found a cool box we used to ski down the stairs.
Here’s Will holding what used to be a nice shirt. There’s no telling whether or not the shirt looked that way before the flood, but hey- the insurance company will never know the difference.
Here’s Dave moving the essentials into our hotel room. Note the bamboo plant on top of the coke box. That’s what makes it feel like home.
This has nothing to do with anything. It just makes me laugh.
So now we’re moved into a hotel room at the Mainstay Suites in Alcoa, TN. Turns out Dave and I are two of only 15 people who won’t get to return to the dorms for a couple months. So we’ve already set up our respective offices, and made friends with the hotel maids, and the front desk clerk on every shift, so we’ll make it work for us. I regret that it was my calamitous luck that most likely brought this. Well that, and a stove fire in the room above ours. But I digress- This is how my life goes. I’ve gotten used to it. Keep reading this site, and maybe you’ll get used to it too. Then we are all lost.
Consider Pandora’s box opened
I often find myself sitting up at night wondering what life has in store for me. It’s nothing special, most people do. But most people sit up wondering if they’re going to get that job they want, or if they will ever meet that special someone. As for me, I sit up wondering where I got that scar I hadn’t noticed before, or whether or not I’m going to be hit by a truck again tomorrow. See, if you look up the term “bad luck” in the dictionary, you’ll not only see my picture, but if you look really hard, you can make out the meteor speeding towards my head in the background.
My life has been a timeline of strange. A perfect testament to my luck is the fact that I am writing this first post in a hotel room. This is because the apartment above mine in my college dormitory had a very small stove fire that was just enough to set off the building’s chemical industrial grade sprinkler system. As the alarms blared, and the ceiling started to cave in around us, my roommate and I couldn’t help but notice that it was us who were getting the worst of it. And so our luck washed down the drain at about 30 gallons per second, and everything we own is now damp, and smells like ass.
This is the kind of thing I consider when I sit up enjoying all that insomnia has to offer. Some people may take stock of all the things that I’ve managed to get myself into in 21 years, and wonder as to the nature of God’s benevolence. But I don’t worry. My relationship with God is very well defined. To me, God is like the little brother who constantly hovers half an inch away from your face saying “I’m not touching you…. I’m not touching you….”
So check back here every now and then. You’ll feel better when you lie awake at night knowing that somewhere in a hotel room, or a jail cell, or a ditch just off the highway somewhere near Tuscaloosa, I am lying wondering what ever happened to that squirrel I found in my desk drawer once…
This is a test of the Goes Boom system. If this had been an actual usage of the Goes Boom system, you wouldn’t be able to read this, since you’d have been reduced to composite atoms. This is only a test.