Widge sent me this with the message “Dude. This is the Siegest post in the history of Siege posts.” It’s good to know that people look out for weird crap for me to post, and even better to know that I’ve become an adjective.
We (almost) all love beastflesh, and eating things with a face is always good. But This place has taken it one step further. Food with a face, meet food that is a face. With the simple addition of not only a face, but a clown face, you can attack your cold cuts with that much more fervor.
Babies tend to cry in my presence. Believe it or not, this is not something I have worked toward. There’s just something about me that babies find offensive or frightening. So it makes me feel slightly better that Tokyo holds an anual competition in which sumo wrestlers scare babies into crying “to stregnthen their spirit.” The baby who cries the loudest wins. I shit thee not.
What do you do when you have a problem with vandals? The same thing the Romans did when they had a problem with Vandals. Or Visigoths. Or Franks. Build something huge to launch something gross at them.
One of these pictures is Gary Oldman playing Jim Gordan in Batman Begins. The other one is Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, who brutally killed 48 women (that we know of).
It’s obvious which is which, but the resemblance is still uncanny. As far as I know, no one has written a crossover of Batman chasing the Green River Killer who turns out to be his ally.
Yesterday morning I was making breakfast. A seemingly harmless task, save for the occasional unfortunate encounter with a live stovetop. I peeled the paper off of the can of biscuit dough, but didn’t pop it open, thinking that it would be better to prepare the potatoes before putting them in the oven. So I walked across the kitchen with a knife to cut open the potatoes. So far, so good.
Then the can of biscuits exploded on the counter. I spun around and speared the popped can with my knife from about 7 paces, and was left breathing hard and trying to come down from an adrenaline rush induced by something that sounded remarkably like a gunshot.
My first coherent thought was “Wow. Still got it.”
My second thought was “Wow. Am I really that jumpy?”
You’d never know it from looking at me or talking to me, but I’m actually very well read. From early insightful works of philosophy such as Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, which would later inspire the Wachowski brothers, to the later crap which is still considered classical despite the festering pile of excrement that it is such as Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, which would later inspire my literary gag reflex.
I like books, and thus enjoy libraries. Perhaps not as much as Dindrane, whom this page was probably created for.
I will never doubt the superiority of the grill as the chief appliance in the preparation of the greatest of foodstuffs. But when we see something like this, it’s hard not to imagine cooking a damn fine steak on your countertop without having to resort to the gadgetry of a ex-boxer.
Ladies and Gentlemen, as well as the people who actualy read this, I give you… The Steak Toaster
I’ve heard of most of these before. As a psychologist, my personal favorite is #8- Project Orcon, where celebrated behaviorist B.F. Skinner proposed the use of pigeon-guided bombs to avoid the hassle of ground defense jamming equipment.
Here’s an excerpt from their description of #4- The Gay Bomb: “The Gay Bomb is exactly what it sounds like; a weapon that would rend our enemies asunder with gay. Actual, weaponized gay.”
